Man and Woman jokes to tickle your funny bone. Do you even have one?

I have Contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and says tentatively, “Excuse me, I am sorry to bother you, but – um – would you mind very much if I sat here and chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Devastated, the guy manages to rise to his feet and slinks back to a table in the back. As you can imagine, he is hopelessly and completely embarrassed. He sinks down into his seat as far as he can go, trying to become invisible.
About a half-hour later, the woman who so loudly rejected him walks to his table and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really very sorry I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology. I am conducting a study of how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
The shy fellow, who is still shaking from his ordeal, looks up from his drink for the first time in 30 minutes. He gazes into the woman’s eyes and smiles. Then at the top of his lungs he yells, “What do you mean 0?!?!”

Let’s Make a Deal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you 0 if you’ll change the wedding vows. Just leave out the part about me promising to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsake all others, being faithful to her forever,’” He passed the minister a 0 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The trapped groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the 0 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”.

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